Mossflower and Salamandestron Talk
by CatClawz
Summary: I got the idea for this from Snowfur on the official Redwall site. check it out, very cool Written 8th grade/freshman year.
1. Default Chapter

Mossflower and Salamandestron Talk FYUL: Hello, hello, everyone. My name is Fyul, and I am a cat from up north.Welcome to the new(and improved)-  
  
BADRANG: Not!  
  
FYUL: version of Mossflower Talk which has been extended to include Salamandestron as well.  
  
CLOGG: Stop usin' such long sentences, you 'ear?  
  
FYUL: Would you please let me finish? Thank you. Now as I was saying, I'll be the host of your show today. Snowfur would come but she's been seeing a psychiatrist after those earlier shows. Today we have the creatures from Martin's early life with us.  
  
MARTIN: I'm here too, you know!  
  
BADRANG: More's the pity.  
  
FELLDOH: Heh, what would you know about pity, vermin scum?!  
  
BADRANG: What are you doing here? I thought I had you killed!!  
  
FELLDOH: You'll never defeat me, never! Are you listening Badrang! Never!!(He starts pulling the arm that's holding a javalin back.  
  
FYUL: Hey, knock it off you two! There's a big medow out back where you can fight, after the show.  
  
FELLDOH: I'll be waiting Badrang.  
  
BADRANG: As will I.  
  
FYUL: Well, we can disuccus all these complexe relationships and feelings after a word from our sponsers.  
  
A squeaky bankvole voice: Do you need spying done? Are your slaves becoming upstarts? Well call me, the one and only spy this side of Mossflower. All jobs most come with food and drink(perferably wine. No, espcially wine) and lodgings. Just call me at 1-800-DRUWPS-SERVICE.  
  
MALE MOUSE: I am sssoooooo bored.  
  
FEMALE MOUSE: Me too. There's nothing to do around here.  
  
ANNOUNCER: Are your Dibbuns, not mention the rest of your abbey, palace or fortress, bored constantly? Well here's the solution. Just call the Rambling Rosehip Players at 1-800-ROSEHIP, for instant entertainment.  
  
BALLAW: You got that right, old chap! We also specialise in traveling shows.  
  
FYUL: Well, Martin, Felldoh? Why did you risk your livers, er, I mean lives, to rescue the slaves and get rid of Badrang  
  
BADRANG: Grrrrrrrrrr.  
  
FELLDOH: What a redundent question. Jeez!  
  
BADRANG: GRRRrrrrrrrrrr.  
  
MARTIN: I'm really surprised you had to ask that one Fyul. They're all creatures I care about and no creature should have to be a slave to another.  
  
FELLDOH: And someone like Badrang doesn't deserve to live!  
  
BADRANG: Why you little! You'll feel the back of my whip if you keep that up youngin'.  
  
FELLDOH: Do your worst vermin!  
  
BADRANG: That's it! I'm-  
  
FYUL: BE QUIET!!! [pauses]That's better. Look I didn't come here to listen to you squabble and I'm not getting payed for this job at all!  
  
BADRANG: That's not our problem.  
  
FELLDOH: Learn to show some respect!  
  
BADRANG: RESPECT! I'll teach you about respect, you cheeky treewhaloper! [Both get up preparing to fight.]  
  
FYUL: SIT DOWN!! I did not come here to see another battle. I can do that anytime at home. And I most certainly did not spend half of my treasure to have this room refurinished and then destroyed!  
  
BADRANG: I don't like your furniture anyway you lousy furball!  
  
CLOGG: She spent that much money on us? She must like us a lot!  
  
FYUL: I don't like you! And don't you dare call me furball! Just wait till I get my paws on you!  
  
ROSE: I think now would be a good time for a commercial break!  
  
Hello. . My name is the Warden of Marshwood Hill. I'm offering my services to keep bad creatures in line for I am the Laaawwww. Normally I would still be in the marsh but they decided to dry it up and make an industrial park. Some park, heh. But anyway, if you want to reach me you have to call Boldred. Call 1-800-MAPMAKERS-ext.529  
  
ROSE: Uh, hi. Things have calmed down.a little.  
  
BALLAW: Well chaps and chapesses I'd say it's time for a jolly old break, only we've just had one. I say, you flippin' frogs back in the corner, save it for the battle, wot!  
  
ROSE: Save your breath Ballaw, they're mad beasts!  
  
BROME: You're not kidding.  
  
BALLAW: I never, hey, you there! Yes, you, get away from that bally tucker wot wot! You too, you terrible toads, do your fightin' by your own bally table, wot!  
  
BROME: Oh, dear! Well Rose are you going to let him finish that off by himself??  
  
FUFFLE: Leth go hep ould floppiears!  
  
ROSE: Well, I guess we'll see you all later. And don't forget to stop by the Abbey, Mossflower, or the wild north.  
  
LORD BROCKTREE: Or Salamandastron!  
  
JOSEPH: Or the South! It's tropical, and great for vacations!  
  
ROSE:Goodbye everyone! 


	2. Chapter 2

Mossflower and Salamandestron Talk  
  
FYUL: Hi everybody. You guessed it, I'm filling in for Snowfur again. Pretty soon I'll be the permant host of the show. I swear, they had better start paying me for this. Well, today I'm here with a few special people, who all have a lot to live up to, thanks to their extrodinary parents. Joining us are Mattimeo, Veil, Tammo, and Sam Squirrel. I think Mariel may be joining us later. Soooooo, how 'bout you guys all say "Hi."  
  
MATTIMEO: Hi.  
  
TAMMO: Hi.  
  
SAM: Hi.  
  
VEIL: . . .  
  
FYUL: Uh, okay. You could have added on to that a bit.  
  
MATTIMEO: You said to say "Hi".  
  
FYUL: Whatever. I don't care. What about you Veil?  
  
VEIL: . . .  
  
SAM: He looks like he's about to blow up or something.  
  
FYUL: Veil?  
  
VEIL: Okay! You made me! I'll do it! I'll do anything! I didn't ask to be brought here! They made me! Honest! I'm sick of this show! They keep making me come back! I'll talk. I promise!  
  
TAMMO: I think the blighter's been holdin' that in a bit, eh, wot?  
  
SAM: Jeez. I think he did blow up.  
  
MATTIMEO: No kidding.  
  
VEIL: Oh shut up!  
  
MATTIMEO: No!  
  
VEIL: You'd talk like that too if your father was a vicious warlord.  
  
MATTIMEO: Shuuuut uup!  
  
VEIL: Make me, mouse!  
  
MATTIMEO: Maybe I will, frogguts!  
  
VEIL: You don't scare me, mousey boy!  
  
MATTIMEO: Why you-!  
  
MARIEL: How 'bout this? You both shut up or I'll knock you both out with my gullwacker!  
  
FYUL: Aaahhh, Mariel, you made it.  
  
MARIEL: And I'm wondering why I came.  
  
FYUL: Oh, really, Mariel. It's not as bad as it looks. Now let's continue. Mattimeo, I think we'll start with you. Could you tell us what it's like being the son of the Abbey Warrior?  
  
MATTIMEO: It's not as great as it's cracked up to be. I mean, that's a lot to live up too. And you wouldn't believe the stern lectures you get. Every kid gets into mischief don't they?  
  
FYUL: I think we all agree Mattimeo. (Veil snorts.) Ahem, thank you for that comment. (Sam coughs and it sounds like "Not.") Now Sam tell us what your life has been like.  
  
SAM: Well you know my mother was a champion climber, but then so was I, so it wasn't a problem. Now, my earlier years, those were probably the hardest.  
  
VEIL: Oh, noooow we're getting' to the sad part.  
  
MATTIMEO: Shut up, Veil.  
  
TAMMO: Yes, I say, bad form sah h'interupin' an h'officer.  
  
MARIEL: No kidding.  
  
SAM: (Snarls at Veil) Well they were the hardest so you can just shut your trap, vermin! (Turns to Fyul with a smile.) As I was saying, the first years were the hardest. Since I couldn't talk it was hard to communicate. Nobody was sure I would become much.  
  
FYUL: Oh my gosh! Who'da thunk it. We've got a caller! Whoohoo! Hello, Caller Number One, you're on.  
  
JESS SQUIRREL: Hi, I just wanted to say this to Sam. Sam, even you couldn't talk, we never thought you couldn't make it. You're the cutest, smartest, bestest-  
  
SAM: MUM!!!! What are you doing! This is soo embarresing!  
  
VEIL: Sucker!  
  
FYUL: Uh, thanks for the motivation, Jess, but I'm afraid we have to have a c ommercial break.  
  
JESS: But I'm not done yet!  
  
ANNOUNCER: We know you all have vermin problems. It's nothing personal. But now you can stop these pesky animals from raiding your fortress or abbey. Just use a little Vermin Repelent. Gaurenteed to work. This isn't just some spray in a flimsy can that ruins the ozone layer. No. This is a group of dirty rats that can be placed around the perimeter of your territory. They haven't taken a bath in at least four seasons, and they're all grissly old salts. They'll even fight for your cause! Care free, no hassle. No refunds.  
  
FYUL: Yes thanks for your input Jess, but really we have to move on. Uh, where were we? Ahhhh, yes. Veil, what-about-you!?  
  
VEIL: That was weird.  
  
MATTIMEO: No kidding.  
  
FYUL: AAHHEEMM!  
  
VEIL: Yeah, whatever. Well, kiddies, let me tell you this. Being the son of a vicious warrior, really iz daaaaaaaa pits! Well, except for bossing people around, and getting the best food, and raiding tiny liddle villages, and commanding battles, and- well, you know the rest of it just the pits.  
  
MATTIMEO: Yeah, real hard life.(snorts)  
  
VEIL: Hey!!! You be quiet flabguts!! What do you know about a hard life, abbey boy!!!???  
  
MATTIMEO: Lot's more than you, vermin-scum!!!  
  
VEIL: Oh, yeah!! Have you ever had to crawl through a deseret, sucking on a stone to save your life because there was no water?!! Huh, have you bird bait???!  
  
MATTIMEO: I haven't and neither have you!! All that stuff you said earlier, was just a lot of over-ripened sandwich meat!!!!!!!!! All of it!!!  
  
VEIL: I'm gonna cut out your liver and eat it for breakfast tomorrow. And then I'm gonna cut out your tongue and eat all the rest of the season, 'cos that's how big it is!  
  
MATTIMEO: Just you try vermin!  
  
FYUL: Now, now, children, no fighting.  
  
ALL OTHERS: You sound like my parents!!!  
  
FYUL: Err, somemore commercials please!  
  
Hello, it's me, Joseph, the BELLMAKER!! As you all know, I've retired from slaving away for mean, snobby tyrants, and am now enjoying life here in the Abbey. But truth be told, I'm getting a little bored with this retired life. So! BELL SALE: Buy one bell, get the second one half off!!! Buy TWO bells, get the third FREE!! Good for the entire season! (Carved pictures and random scratchings included. Gold paint and gild extra.)  
  
FYUL: One more disaster averted. For now. Uh, shall we move on to you, Mariel? After all, if you wanted to leave soon.  
  
MARIEL: I dunno. If there's going to be a vermin crunching party after the session, I may just stick around.  
  
FYUL: While I'm glad you're thinking of the group now, Mariel, I think Veil's already outnumbered about, oh, three to one. (Mutter-maybe four to one!)  
  
MARIEL: Well, to cut a long story short.my father was a bellmaker. Now, he was a sort of rebel bellmaker, but a bellmaker all the same. So, I really don't feel the need to live up to anything. Just to surpass everyone else in everything! Ahem.um, well, if there was anything extraordinary he did when I was a child I.don't remember. My mind's still a little fuzzy in spots. And the rest of my childhood! Argghh!! I don't like to talk about it. Ooh, it just makes me so mad!!  
  
FYUL: Wow. Thanks for opening up a little Mariel. I'm sure we all learned a lot from that little speech. A lot, a lot. Well, let me see. That leaves you, Tammo!  
  
TAMMO: Happy to be of h'assitance, me gel! Hmm.  
  
VEIL: Hurry up, you stomach on legs!  
  
TAMMO: Well, I say! Give a chap a second to think, bucko! Ah yes. I must say, I feel a bit like Mariel, wot. In a way. Me ol' mum, she was on the Long Patrol, but she's a sweet ol' gel. And she makes the best scones and pancakes you h'ever tasted! Now, the Colonel, he's a bit of an h'act t' come after, if y'get my meaning. Stiff, an' disciplined, that's his way. But he means well, an' since h'I went t' speak to 'im, we've gotten on jolly well, wot!  
  
FYUL: Well, I wish we could explore these dynamic situations longer, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep tempers under control. So tune in next time for Mossflower and Salamandestron Talk. And with any luck Snowfur will be back by then. I mean.uh, bye!!  
  
**********  
  
A/N: I would like to say sorry if the hare speech slipped a little toward the end. I had to finish it up today (with two year's break since I started!) and I haven't read any Redwall recently. :) I would also like to say that everyone should go to redwall.org and check out Snowfur's Redwall Encyclopedia. From there just go to her creative corner and you find Mossflower Talk. Very funny. I swear!!! 


End file.
